I wonder why…

Why does stuff happen? I wonder many times. It’s so important in medicine. To ask why. But it is possible to forget to ask. Especially when someone gives us a piece of information. Someone we trust. Trusting people, I feel, is basic human nature. We take a lot for granted. Especially when the person giving us the information is well qualified. But that should never deter us from asking why. I learnt it today, but I’ve also learnt it many times before, well not learnt actually because one does not repeat the same mistake after learning. So yes. I’ll make it a point from now on that I ask why, every time someone tells me something. A twist in this story is that sometimes you never find out why. All you can do is keep asking. And keep reading. But these are the sometimes when no conclusion comes out. The medical mysteries. Going on thinking about this stuff can eat you alive inside. May be today was one of those times. I’m still thinking. What happened to that woman? Why did she get so sick? What went wrong? Her procedure was standard and free of complications at the time. So may be, during such times, inquisitiveness can kill you, or at least kill your spirit. There won’t be any closure. And it’s not okay. People dying without you getting all the answers. Or just people dying on you. On your watch. May be this one will live. May be she’ll get fixed all by herself. All I can do now is wait for tomorrow. Hopefully, the more qualified ones will have some answers. Till then I’ll sleep… Or keep thinking…

Looking towards the light

After all the depression and despair, I found out a way to make myself happy… Had my favorite wine, Chenin Blanc and cooked some red pasta that was loved by the entire family… Feeling really happy and grateful for so many wonderful things in life… Also I’m happy about the wonderful place I’m gonna go to… Thank u so much god and thank u so much universe for knowing and giving me what I need rather than what I just merely want…

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To desire is human…

When something is not attained, is it the yearning that makes us sad or is it just the bruised ego? I guess there is a little bit of both. When we have done everything right in our power it keeps us wondering what went wrong. Then another thought crossed my mind. There is another part (a very important one) played by comparison. It is the root of dissatisfaction, jealousy and despair. I’ve learnt now that I need to focus on what’s there in store for me in the future which is filled with pristine beauty and suits me well in more ways than one. There’s just teeny tiny itsy bitsy wee thing that bothers me. The fellowship. But I know that I’ll work hard enough and make contacts and impress everyone which will lead to declaration of my true self and worth. Eventually I’ll get whatever I want in life in the bigger picture. Eventually it’s all about perspective. Eventually it’s all about what you make out of what you already have.

The Full Moon

Full moons are known to drive people crazy. Crazy, usually for them. But for me, it drives the People around me crazy, and makes me blue. It’s a heavy feeling in the chest. Just like the one explained by patients I get to see at the hospital everyday when they’re having heart attacks. It happened tonight as well. The same chest heaviness. For a second I actually thought I was having a coronary. But thankfully it passed away. Leaving me with loads and loads of sadness and loneliness. Even though I’ve always been pretty confident about my residency match result that’s due tomorrow, I was having doubts. Doubts that never ever crossed my mind. How could I turn so negative in just one evening? What was it? Was it the fight with dad over how loud I was watching Harry Potter and the half blood prince? Or was it the misunderstanding with a close friend due to lack of communication? For a significant amount of time I also thought that it was the botched up keratin treatment I got done on my hair today considering how important these superficial things are to me. Yes they are. And I’m not ashamed of it. But it wasn’t that also. Just the fact that I’m not being able to FaceTime a very very dear friend right now and can’t tell him what I’m feeling also makes it worse. I totally blame the full moon, as the evening passed by I became more and more morose. But I guess it’s still gonna be okay. Just like every night, this one too shall pass. Tomorrow will be bright again, the sun will rise and the moon will start to wane. The universe will align everything in accordance to what is needed by every organism including me. And I’ll eventually reach where I’m destined to.

Work High

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We all crib about how we have to work continuously 6 days a week (7 for us doctors) in order to earn the money we want to spend to buy the things we desire. I do too sometimes. But then when I actually have an off I wish that I had gone to the hospital. Does this make me workaholic? I don’t think so. I like to come home after a long tiring day. Doesn’t mean I don’t like spending time at the hospital either. I love my job. But I love other things too. Just yesterday I was having this discussion with my buddy about how we should love working and at the same time keep living. But sometimes I get torn between staying up to date in medicine and keeping my other passions alive. These days everything inspires me. But at the same time the fact that I can’t keep running after any and every thing saddens me. That is not just medicine and other things. It also holds true within various fields of medicine. My uncle who’s an amazing cardiothoracic surgeon told me we cant afford to be lured by other organs, We have to focus just on what we specialize in. Because we cant afford to mess up in our own branch. We will be liable then. It’s so difficult to restrict. Especially for me. I want everything. It’s definitely a high. When I think of all these wonderful things in medicine I forget about everything else. Meredith said it very rightly in the very first episode of Grey’s anatomy ,”That was such a high, I don’t know why anybody does drugs.”

Aashiqui 2

ImageWatched aashiqui 2 (first half)… Actually heard the songs properly. Music was too good. Was happy to realize again that Bollywood music does have the ability to touch the soul. I really liked the 2 versions of ‘Sun raha hai’ as both had totally different feels to them, even though the lyrics and compositions were same. The male version had the-rock-star, inspiring feel because of the upbeat distro guitar and at the same time the female one had the vulnerability that’s noticeable not only because of the instruments used in the song, but also due to the way Shreya Ghoshal has sung it. It’s the music like this that reminds us that soul and feelings can be put in songs that’ll make the audience listen to them again and again without making flashy videos to sell them.

This Beautiful Night

This beautiful night

feels so right

happiness in this moment

hold it tight

 

May it stay

forever I’ll pray

this love in my heart

makes me sway

 

I go left

my book goes right

in perfect rhythm

we could dance all night

 

Isn’t it beautiful?

isn’t it right?

studying so perfectly

hold it tight

 

Oh my dear god

let it stay for another week

this studious streak

don’t let it reek

 

Let everything harmonize

not only till the sunrise

forever I’ll be

healthy wealthy and wise

 

This beautiful night

is it true?

no feeling of worry

no sign of blue

 

One day I’ll be so free

but even now there’s laughter

just before the exam

and not only after

 

I’m Arwen as well as Galadriel

I have a shrine

I’m full of magical joy

I’m wise and I’ll always shine

 

This beautiful night

It’s damn right

Happiness now and forever

I’m always holding it tight 🙂